The Sedated Ape

The most clever companies I know of are the ones that advertise those pills  that are supposed to make your dick bigger .

They say they’re going to give the first month away for free,  but in the small print at the bottom of the screen it  says that  they’ll keep sending more pills  every month until you make them stop. It’s sorta like Columbia House except instead of getting a Hall and Oates CD in the mail every month you get dick medicine.

The really clever part of their business plan is this: If a guy is so insecure that he actually signs up for a product like that,  there is no way he’ll  ever be secure enough to call up the number and complain. I bet the company hires a a sexy sounding woman to answer the complaint line.  Maybe they even add some pre-recorded giggling in the background.

No guy would ever have the nerve to call up a woman and say:  ”My dick is still  extremely tiny, and I want my  god damn money back! I’ve been taking these pills for a month now and there are infants who are hung better than I am!  !f you don’t give me a full refund right now  I’m going to go straight down to the better business bureau and tell them all about it!…”

And if you stopped paying they’ll turn it over to a collection agency and you  sure wouldn’t want something like THAT on your credit report. - “I’m sorry sir but we can’t approve you for the new mortgage, but we at Citibank do hope that someday you’ll be able to have a normal penis”.

They only way guys like that could ever escape is to lie and say it worked too well:  ”Yeah, those pills worked great just like you guys said in the commercials. In fact they work a little too well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.  The thing is that I’m so big now that I can’t  even wear shorts in public anymore with out getting arrested.  And the weight of it is so heavy that it’s hurting my back to walk around with it all the time.  My doctor said that if it gets any bigger I’ll end up in traction or have to go around in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.  Well, two wheelchairs actually - one for me and one  for my dick.   And since that’s not covered on my insurance,  I need you guys to just go ahead and cancel my subscription”

It might be pretty fun just to listen in on their complaint line.

I made a trip to Arkansas a while back to watch the Royal’s AA minor league team play.

I didn’t know this at the time, but it’s a law that every home in Arkansas must either sell night crawlers or have a year round never ending garage sale going  on in their front lawn.

Actually, I’m just  assuming it’s a law because I can’t imagine why else everyone would want to do something like that.

Of the two,  the year round garage sales are the most interesting because the only people who buy anything at those sales are the neighbors  looking for something  that they think they could sell at a profit at their own garage sales.

It’s an interesting phenomena that  eventually leads to broken dot matrix printers being on sale for $300.

It’s been awhile since I posted anything.  I’ve been creating a brand  new literary genre. And if you’ve ever done that before,  you know it keeps you pretty busy.

I’m calling  the new  style ”Math Fiction”.    All the stories take place in a strange fantasy world where  the rules of addition and subtraction no longer apply!

So far most of the stories I’ve came up with are about arguments between cashiers and their customers.  It’s not limited to that, though - I  can imagine that someday the genre will grow large enough to include stories about arguments at banks and  maybe even casinos.

Kraft had this new line of salad dressing,  and  on the commercial they brag that they are made with “100 percent real ingredients”.

That’s a good thing - I hate it when I go all the way to the grocery to  buy salad dressing then when I get home I notice that the bottle doesn’t have anything in it. Goddamn imaginary ingredients.

The problem is that the phrase “100 percent real ingredients” doesn’t really tell you anything.  Anything they’re able to fit in the bottle counts as an ingredients.  They could fill it with carpet tacks and turpentine and it would still have “100 percent real ingredients”.

1) I learned to read by reading peanuts comic strips. I still love them. They’ve been a pretty big deal for me for most of my life.

2) I’ve always had a thing for redheads…. A freakishly huge “thing”.

But until today it never occurred to me that I probably prefer redheads because in the comic strip Charles Schulz presented the little red-haired girl as the feminine ideal .

Charlie Brown is directly responsible for my taste in women.

I don’t know why exactly, but for some reason that’s so depressing I feel like crying.

- Don’t use the word “epic” when you mean “really good”. The Odyssey, Iliad and Gilgamesh are epics. A good video game score is just a good video game score.

- Don’t call your genitalia “junk” unless you mean that it’s of no practical use to anyone.

- “It is what it is” - Ball players say this a lot after they lose. Apparently they think it makes them seem wise and philosophical, but I’m pretty sure they picked up the idea from a Popeye cartoon. A good rule is: If you hear a phrase for the first time while watching a game on TV you should never repeat it. Remember how dumb the good athletes were back in high school ? Well, they don’t get any smarter just because they turned pro.

- “Man up”

- “It’s all good”

- Don’t call underwear “Tighty Whities’. That was funny for about 30 seconds five years ago.

- “Not so much”

- “It’s a _____  thing”

- Any saying that has been popularized by Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Larry the cable guy or Jim Carey.

- People who are overly neat and prissy aren’t necessarily  “OCD”. Obsessive compulsive disorder is something very different - and a lot more fun to watch.

-” dude’

- People over 30 should not adopt the slang of teenagers. Stick with the words you already have

I always pictured God as being older. And not so ugly.

It’s about damn time the FBI started cracking down on women with facial hair.